this is. my broken. childhood

Never use a word that you can't spell!
...written on 2004-12-02, @ 8:57 p.m.

All Things Considered I am doing wonderful. Last night I was having trouble sleeping and I felt like my brain would explode if I didn't do something about that so I got out a pencil and paper and turned on my little light so I didn't alarm my parents. If I turned on my big light I would have had my room rushed by my parents who would think I was sick or possibly *gasps in fo-horror* diobeying them...which I was. I decided that things with John were really confusing me and I wanted to sort it all out in my brain by writing all my thoughts exactly as they came to me about him and put it in a note form to him. I was never planning on giving him this note because there was a few embarressing things and I thought I sounded psychopathic (which is a debatable subject) and insane (another debatable subject but most likely it would be decided that I am, in fact, mentally unstable...no surprise there). So I spilled my heart in that really long 2 pages (front and back) in all my random thoughts strung together. A lot of it doesn't make sense because it was all coming so fast. So I brought this note to school because I wanted Anna and Kayla to read it and tell me I am not psychotic and it makes sense.

So after ag class it was in my back pocket and I was walking along with John debating whether or not I wanted him to see the note. I got tired of debating so I thought "O what the hell. There is not much more to lose."
So I said outloud, "Last night aound eleven I couldn't sleep and I wrote you a note."

He said, "Ok, cool."
I said, "But if I give it to you, you have to promise not to show anyone because it is random and somewhat confsing and a little embarressing."
He said, "OK. Yeah."
I handed it to him and he said, "Yay. now I have something to read."
I said, "So if it doesn't make sense in some places it is because it is just some things I was thinking and I wrote it without worrying about what it looked like."

We walked down the hallway in silence and he said, "So what is in it?"
I said, "You will see when you read it."
He said, "So it is just random?"
I said, "Well it is all random about the same thing."
He looked really confused and like he wanted to know exactly what was in it and I could tell his next question was going to be, "What do you mean?" So he left with the note that had everything I thought about him and me. And I left with a tight feeling in my stomach and a bunch of nervousness.

I didn't get to see him again until after 5th block. And I walked up behind him and caught his feet like we always do to each other and he smiled and said, "Hey." And playfully brushed up against me (smelling wonderful) to answer. We started talking about art and other random things,until Jarad AKA the Buttmunch started interrupting us and pushing some-binder-thing into John's face until he completely screwed up the whole conversation and got to say what he wanted the whole time I was there. Just because Jarad doesn't like me doesn't mean he has to be a complete arse whenever we are together. I really wanted to slap him but instead I just pretended to be completely uninterested. Jarad knows how to ruin everything this week.

broken | childhood