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It all was bullshit. It was a God-Damned Joke...
...written on 2004-11-24, @ 2:47 p.m.
I am here at home. I know something is wrong with me. I argue with myself and sometimes I get so into my arguement that I forget to not make sounds and noises. Then when I argue outloud without realizing it people give me funny looks. Terrible, huh?
I think about John all the time. I am constantly wondering how he would feel about something. I wonder what he would think about this random thing or that random thing. I can be somewhere and see things that remind me of him. Like I saw an Exzibit CD the other day, and I had to go look at it. I hate Exzibit but they remind me of him because he let me borrow it one time. Then today I found myself watching Country Videos. I am deprived from lack of television and so when I finally get the TV all to myself I sat down and watch COUNTRY MUSIC!?! Country Music is from my childhood. I listened to all those songs and I knew them all by heart, so I like the old country music, but a lot of the new stuff today is....ehhhh... not that great. But anyway, I found myself on the couch watching Country Videos that I hate, thinking about John. How pathetic. And the other day I found myself drawing his name into my art project with a Sharpie. I tried to cover it up but of course it is still there if you look closely enough.
I am trying to be happy and flirt with other guys and have a good time at school. I try to be the happy-go-lucky-insane Kassie that I always was before the breakup, and act like things are all the same. But inside I always have a stomachache. I am always thinking about other things while people are trying to talk to me or explain things to me. I hate this a lot. I want to cry right now, but I should be over him by now so I am going to have to go on pretending like everything is o.k. Just so I don't freak people out. I hate it all.
Sometimes I just want to lay down and sleep forever. I want to be like Sleeping Beauty. When the right guy comes to make me fall in love with him, he can kiss me to wake me up and carry me off into happiness. He can cure all this hurt I have inside. He make all the pain go away and I will love him with all my heart.
I am a romantic. I like it when people do somewhat cheesy professions of love. I think its adorable how Anna and Jarad act like they are married. I love how Devin is so devoted to Jenny. I want love like that. I want some guy to be wrapped up in me and constantly showing me how much he cares. I want some guy to fight with me just because he knows I like to argue then make it all better. I hate the situation I am in now. I am not dating anyone, I could be, but I don't even feel like trying to get out and make the effort. I shouldn't still be upset about John, but I am! Someone make all the pain go away.