this is. my broken. childhood

All I Want For Christmas
...written on 2004-12-17, @ 6:13 p.m.

It's been a while since I have updated and I am forcing myself to udpate now since the last time I updated was over a week ago. I have been in a weird funk all week but I doubt it has been noticed as it comes and gos randomly.

My dad had his surgery on Tuesday and stay in the hospital until noon Wednesday. This has shaken up the whole household for the worse. My dad is claustrophobic and has to wear a neck brace for a week for one thing. This makes him irritable, grouchy, and he has panic attacks. Dad is the World's worst patient. He is too hot or too cold, he is hungry but nothing sounds or tastes good, he wants pudding but hates snack packs, he is tired but can't sleep, he wants water and hates straws but can't lift the rum of the glass to his lips because he will spill it all, he says the house is depressing but when someone starts talking he gives them dirty looks, and he can't do much at all so he moves from his bed to the couch and viseversa all day long. His espogaus is swollen from a tube the doctors stuck down his throat during surgery. I am about to go out of my mind in this place. If I want to watch TV, he shows up and wants the couch. So I have been eating and taking naps.

I took a three hour nap today when I got home from school. Then I got up and ate a lot of spaghetti. As soon as I get done with this entry I will prolly lock myself in my room and avoid these annoyances called family until morning when I have to scamper out to get breakfast and my mom will make me work and my dad will be growling. And then as soon as I can I will retreat back to my room. This is the looks of my whole christmas vacation. Now I am crying for no apparant reason. Ok I have to get ahold of myself.

I do have a plus side (sort of) to this whole mess. I have a goal for my Christmas break. I am going to stop obsessing over John. That is my goal, and to achieve that I am going to stop talking about him. That is a start. And maybe if I force myself to stop doing that then eventually I will get over him.

There have to be other great guys in our school that I could start to like. I mean there is always guys around to talk to and have fun with but none of them interest me in anything more than friendship (like they would want me as more than a friend anyway). So I am here feeling very alone. I think I now see what Kayla used to mean when she said that she didn't see anything worth her attention. I would like a boyfriend I just don't see anyone or feel anything towards anyone that would make me want to go out with them (except he-who-must-not-be-named and soon enough I shouldn't feel things for him either). This is a problem.

My Day:
1) Today was MAP reward day. So we got to go around school and do whatever we want.

1.5) Got a piggyback ride from Sean. Scott came up and slapped my butt and I yelled, "Hey that's my ass! It's not for you to slap!"
2) Jaykob tried to teach me how to play Texaz Hold 'Em. I stink at that game.

3) Played Egyptian Rupture and walked around school with Anna and Kayla.

4) Had some popcorn.

5) Played Monopoly for 10 minutes.

6) Avoided the video game room because it smelled like dirty boys until they sprayed some Lysol and then as Cody said, "It smelled like Lysol and dirty boys."
7) More aimless walking around.

7.5) Joe had a bad headache so I spent 20 minutes finding him something. I had to convince a few girls that Joe wasn't having a midol problem and needed tylonel. Finally got IBProfin and thanks to Kayla and Lindsey's odd random friendship of saying words like "pussumpoo" and "cheez-its" I got one from her.

8) Ate lunch with Brandon and Kayla. But I wasn't hungry so I ended up eating a few bites of ice cream, a few fries, and milk.

9) Met up with Cody, Bridget, Anna, Kayla, Michael Shade, Brandon, and Lisa Bross and we all went to play Go Fish and BS. Then Michael, Lisa, and Bridget left so we played Egyptian Rupture.

10)Then it was the talent show and I sat by the "Flannel Friends" aka the "Flannel Mafia". Made random comments. Realized why boys in liberal arts are attractive...ummm because they are in touch with their feelings and they have a talent.... Then listened to Britney sing the same song she has sang at the talent show for the past 5 years. The same song. FOR FIVE YEARS...a slow painful death to say the least.

Now that I have written all this I feel a little bit better. But only a shopping trip will cure this completely I think.

broken | childhood